Agnostic

Okay, I just got so excited by the Internet that I had to write a blog post for the first time in nearly 6 months. This article on Slate about agnosticism makes me happy, because it articulates what I have long felt about my (non) religious beliefs. And it defends as honorable the answer "I don't know" to all those large questions about god and creation and the meaning of life and whatnot.

I think it can be somewhat difficult to be in a "do-good" profession without religious conviction. At a recent social work conference, we had a sung invocation before our meal. It didn't mention Jesus direction, but the phrase "daily bread" was repeated, so it got its Christianity across. I happened to be sitting with a Jewish woman who was well and truly offended by the song. But beyond that woman, the Christian song seemed quite accepted and enjoyed. In a corporate environment, I doubt such a thing would happen. But because my job is essentially in service to others, there is an assumption that I, along with all other social workers, have a religious calling of some sort. And many social workers do; many are Christian in the true act-like-Christ sense. But there are those of us who are brought into the field for different reasons.

It's hard for some people to conceive of someone who wants to help others as a career as being non-religious. It does not seem to make sense. I'm not trying to sound all unselfish and wonderful, because that is not the case. My job is a job, not a vocation. If I get burned out, I will find another job and my sense of self will not be diminished. The reason I do this job is because I can. I can listen to stories of trauma and pain and depression and anger and anxiety and hurt. I can listen, I can try to find some insight and support, and I can still go home and enjoy dinner 9 nights out of 10. And since I can do this job, and since there is a need for this job, and since not many people can do this job, then I feel it is my job to do. Religion just does not enter into it.

I've been an agnostic since at least 8th grade. I remember preparing for Confirmation and wondering if there was any way to gracefully back out of it. I didn't actually believe that stuff, but I was a good kid and good kids went through Confirmation. I used to pray for faith, and I never found it. I even had a religion teacher tell me that I was just not praying hard enough. I don't think any amount of prayer would make me believe. That certainty is not in me. These issues of divinity are too big for me to ever be sure of an answer. They are too important for me to lie about to myself. So when someone asks, I tell the truth. I don't know. And I'm okay with that.

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Winter Wonderland

I had the most nearly perfect winter break this year. (nearly due to the cold that plagued me during the first week.) I went home to St. Louis with Rib and we lounged and ate cookies and drank tea and watched tv and slept. My favorite parts of the holiday--the nibbly Christmas Eve, the family Christmas morning brunch--they were there, albeit populated with less people. Then we drove back (with my new sewing machine!)

The second week was just as lovely. Rib and I went outlet mall shopping and played skee-ball and won prizes. We bought lots of stuff on sale and giggled and didn't get crazy mall claustrophobia, even though we were there for like five hours. Truly a miracle. On New Year's Eve, we changed plans at the last minute, but ended up eating a delicious four course meal, getting our desserts just after the champagne toast. We got dressed up and the restaurant was walking distance and had a three piece jazz band and all was beautiful.

Of course, I didn't finish everything I had hoped to, but that's okay. I got most of it done, and all of the essential stuff. The real world will hit again tomorrow and I'm not quite ready. But I will have the memory of these tranquil and tasty two weeks to keep me going.

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I am totally tanking on my 15 before 30 list. I have only ONE thing crossed off. Only one. That's just sad. I guess I could technically cross off one more thing, so that's two. I have seven months. I don't think I'm gonna make it. Work is just so--work. And the day to day stuff seems to take up so much time. Although really, that's crap. I know that if I made up my mind, it could happen. I could find time. I just keep telling myself that I need to relax. And relaxing is a brain draining television session. (Well, not entirely brain-draining, since the Daily Show makes an appearance...) I'm throwing a lot of energy at work, and it just doesn't feel like there's that much left over. I can't even decide if I like my job or not. Do I want to eventually leave school social work and go to clinical work? Do I want to stay with my current employer or go to another school system? Do I want to stay in Chicago where it snow and freezes and all that, or move to someplace warm and sunny and green?

I do not know. But I do realize that looking at the list and counting the failures is raising my anxiety levels, so I'm going to stop now.

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Alpaca Farmer

Today was one of those days when I don't eat lunch, and come home dreaming of chucking it all to become an alpaca farmer, a la Lily Tomlin on West Wing. I knew trying to do two groups in one day, and leaving only one free period was risky, but I figured I could handle it, given that I get tomorrow off for Veteran's Day. Turns out, now I REALLY need Veteran's Day.

Ah well. Some days you are windshield, some days you are the fly, and some days you are an imaginary alpaca farmer.

I don't really have more news, other than I've been on a Dixie Chicks listening spree, I'm going to antique stores tomorrow, and I still miss Jake the dog. Hopefully, with this day off Wednesday, the rest of the week will fly by.

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Grief

So we took Jake to his last vet visit today. It was time. He couldn't get up on his own since yesterday, and he was clearly in pain. We did the right thing. I have to keep reminding myself of that, because it's the only thing that keeps me together.

I wasn't prepared for how fast it would go once we got to the vet. In the room in a minute, waiting for the vet and feeding him treats for a couple of minutes, then the vet comes in, then he's gone. Just on his side on the floor, gone.

Lots of tears around these parts. Every time I think about him, or walk past his food bowl, or see the shelf of dog treats, or the clumps of his fur on the rug, I cry. I want to sleep, but I know I need to sleep at night, so I'm staying awake.

Jake was such a good dog. I mean, every dog is a good dog is some way, but Jake was just so exceptionally good. He was mellow and friendly and a big lug of cute. I wasn't sure if he counted me as one of his people until this spring. Rib and Jake and I were walking and ran into a neighbor with two other dogs. One of the dogs came up to me to play, and Jake thought the dog was being threatening. He barked at the dog, and came up between us, clearly protecting me, and clearly marking me as one of his people. I knew then that he was not just Rib's dog, but our dog. And now he's gone.

There is a lot of extra space in the apartment today. A lot of quiet that used to have dog snoring, or the sound of paws on the hardwood as he ran in his sleep. We miss him. We will continue to miss him. We will not forget him.

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Good Choice

So earlier today I started a post about something, I don't remember what, but really it was about procrastination, because that's what I was doing. Well, that and fluffing my hair. Instead of posting, I finished my chores and now I'm drinking wine and playing stupid computer games. Good for me!

Unrelated thoughts about my life since my last post: Thank god for the cavalry (in the form of one women, two days a week) that has come to rescue me at work. My niece is incredibly cute and it was totally worth it trying to buy her love with a large stuffed monkey. It's incredible how nice a weekend at home can be, even when it involves cleaning the bathroom. Taking care of myself really is the key to getting things done at work. I don't have to try so hard to over-achieve to still be good at what I do.

Life is good. Although that might be the wine talking.

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Buckle Up

It's gonna be a bumpy school year. I felt guilty when I got home at 7pm tonight, after working from 7:30-3:30, and attending continuing ed from 4:30-6:30. Why would I feel guilty? Because I have more work to do. I'm not ready for a meeting tomorrow yet. And instead of getting it done tonight, I had a drink, ate dinner, and watched some tv.

Theoretically, I have an open period tomorrow before the meeting to finish getting ready. Of course, theoretically, I had a free period today to write it--oh, and I had also had a lunch period. Neither of those worked out too well. Turns out I'm just too darn popular. I had my turkey sandwich out on my desk and was munching away when three students came into my office at once. With unrelated concerns.

Also, Jake the dog is getting to a crossroads. His tumors on his leg are too big to be supported by the splint without giving him sore spots on his skin. He keeps licking the splint because the skin underneath hurts, but without the splint, the chances of him breaking his leg increase. Oh, and he has a weird bump on his head that is unexplained, but doesn't seem to hurt him.

Writing all of this, I realize that I'm just really darn tired. I'm not as bleak as I sound, but I do need some sleep.

Off to the cozy bed with me! Goodnight!

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